The Worst People Of 2013
Christopher Alexander Caceres was charged with felony animal cruelty, burglary and sexual assault of an animal making the list of the “20 Worst People of 2013 in the Miami New Times. Caceres sneaked around at 2 in the morning to have sex with a neighbor’s dog. Here are some of the other horrible people of the year:
- Ron Nielson wanted to do something extra scary for the kids on Halloween. He decided it would be totally spooky — not to mention hilarious — to burn a cross at his Palm Bay, Florida, home.
Yet Nielson’s uproarious “prank” — his words — went awry when he doused the cross with gas and accidentally set himself aflame, destroying his comedic timing.
- Maria Caya: It was the last day of school. Fourth-grade teacher Maria Caya was slated to take her young charges to a Janesville, Wisconsin, bowling alley to celebrate. So she prudently began drinking at 6 a.m. to get a jump on the festivities. Good teachers are always prepared. Though eight other school employees attended the field trip, no one noticed that the 50-year-old educator had slightly overshot her intake capacity. Until she passed out at the bowling alley. With a blood-alcohol level of 0.27. Enough to fuel a Viking ship for three months.
- Ronald Dean
A gym teacher at the AmeriSchools Academy in Phoenix led a class of kids ages 10 to 13 out to the playground for a little exercise. That’s when they saw a middle-aged man in a nearby alley. His pants were down, and he appeared to be masturbating. Police arrived to find Ronald Dean smoking crack and masturbating in full view of the school. Dean didn’t understand what the fuss was about. “I was just sitting here getting high,” he told the cops.
- Greg Abbott
Dallas couple Jeffrey and Henry Buck were married in Massachusetts, only to see their love wither two years later. A Dallas family court granted their divorce.
This caused Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott to blow a gasket. He’s a strident opponent of gay marriage, fearing it will spur an outbreak of elegant kitchen remodeling that makes no allowances for gun racks. And since he’s also running for governor, he wanted to appease the state’s many followers of Mean Jesus, the pissed-off version of the leading brand.
So Abbott appealed the decision. Since Texas law banned gay marriage, he argued, the Bucks couldn’t legally divorce either. A state appellate court agreed, reportedly signing its decision in drool.
Abbott got his wish: The Bucks were forced to stay gay married.
- Adam Savader was a budding Republican operative who interned for Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney. Despite his access to the halls of power, he was unable to score with the ladies. That’s because he’s a frumpy little man-child with voodoo eyes that make him appear to be the product of an amorous weekend between Michele Bachmann and Charles Manson.
Still, Savader would not be denied love — or at least his weird approximation of it. So he began hacking into the email accounts of former classmates at George Washington University and his high school in Great Neck, New York.
Whenever he discovered selfies of bare-naked women intended for someone other than Adam Savader, he would send his targets anonymous texts, demanding they beam him additional naked photos. If they refused, Savader threatened to not only send his existing trove to their mothers, but to their sororities and — gasp! — the Republican National Committee, where they would likely be shared with known degenerates, such as congressmen from Alabama.
- Wells Fargo
Retiree Larry Delassus suffered from a rare blood-clot disorder that often left him disoriented and hospitalized. But this disability would prove minor compared to a more serious affliction: He was a customer of Wells Fargo.
The bank held the mortgage on his Hermosa Beach, California, condo. Unfortunately for Delassus, Wells Fargo mistook him for another customer, who happened to owe 13 grand in back taxes. Despite his protests, it doubled Delassus’ mortgage to pay off the nonexistent taxes. He quickly fell behind.
At some point, Wells Fargo discovered it had confused Delassus with another resident of his complex. But the company foreclosed on him anyway.