October 9, 2014 4:16 pm -

After the drunken brawl involving the entire Palin clan in Alaska last month, prosecutors will not be filing charges. Anchorage Police Department officials released details of the snowbilly event on September 6th after the Palins arrived in a white limousine, just before Bristol, Sarah Palin’s daughter, coldcocked the host of the party several times in the face with freedom punches.

[su_center_ad]The police report states that they responded to a report of as many as 20 people involved in a brawl.

Police say that Bristol, 23, appeared “heavily intoxicated” during questioning, and claimed that she had confronted a woman who had pushed her sister, The Smoking Gun reports.

According to Bristol’s version of events, the party’s host was “calling her a cunt and slut” and she was pushed to the ground and pulled “around on the grass by her feet.”

Witnesses described Bristol as “out of control” and accused her of repeatedly punching the host of the party, Korey Klingenmeyer, 39, in the face while yelling, “Who the fuck are you!”

Klingenmeyer told police that he was “angry the Palins had showed up and were causing the problems.” He added that, “A fight broke out and the Palins ended up losing.”

Police arrived on the scene at midnight only to find an inebriated and shirtless Track Palin being led to the family’s white limousine.

Police said that Track’s friends appeared “intent on keeping him away from me.”

An officer described Track as  heavily intoxicated” with blood around his mouth and on his hands. The cop said he ‘had a hard time getting him to calm down.”

According to that officer, he appeared to have an injury under his left eye.

The officer said Track was “belligerent,” but eventually agreed to get out of the limo as per his mother’s instructions.

While “angry and intoxicated,” Track told the police that “some guys were talking rudely to his sisters, making them cry” and the Palins decided to leave the party, until he said, a friend was sucker punched. (Not by Bristol)

“Track said he then confronted one of the guys and said he would fight him, so Track took off his shirt to fight,” an officer reported.

Track claimed he was also attacked from behind by a quartet of “skinny white males.” Seriously.

Todd Palin weighed in saying that when the family friend was attacked from behind, “everything escalated and it was a situation they couldn’t walk away from.”

According to The Smoking Gun in a detailed report, One of the witnesses, Brian Horschel, 38, said that during the party, Track Palin tried to “start a fight with his dad, Todd.” Horschel went on to say that he was “about to step in” until he “found out that it was Todd’s son that was trying to fight him.”

While police were interviewing attendees of the party, Todd Palin confronted Klingenmeyer and askedif “he called his daughter a ‘bitch.’

At that point, Willow Palin approached them and “also got involved flipping [Klingenmeyer] off and getting loud.”

Officer Ruth Adolf stated that, “We eventually separated everyone and the Palin family ended up leaving.”

Matthew McKenna, another witness, told police that “about four unknown guys then jumped on Todd,” and that Track “jumped in and was fighting with the people that jumped his dad.”

McKenna said he “told Todd to get his ‘crew,’ get into the limo and leave and added, “Nobody listened and yet another fight started.”

McKenna stated that “the problem was that Bristol and Willow were drunk as were their boyfriends.” McKenna said that Bristol punched the party’s host “in the face six times,” a “bunch of wives tackled her ass.”

Willow Palin was described as “extremely agitated” while telling a police officer that the party host had assaulted her sister and that “several guys were on top of her sister when she was on the ground.”

According to Willow, an older lady” pushed her, and that “people were saying things like ‘Fuck the Palins.’” (Disclaimer: it wasn’t me. I swear it)

Most of the report seems to fall in line with previous versions of events, told by witnesses who observed Bristol clocking the host of the party in the face multiple times.

Even though none of the parties opted to press charges at the time of the incident, police confirmed that the case is still an active investigation and is being reviewed by APD and the Municipal Prosecutors Office.

A screen grab of the police report:

Political Gates has more screen shots of the police report here.[su_csky_ad]

D.B. Hirsch
D.B. Hirsch is a political activist, news junkie, and retired ad copy writer and spin doctor. He lives in Brooklyn, New York.

52 responses to Hilarious: Police Report On Drunken Palin Family Brawl

  1. neworleans878 October 9th, 2014 at 4:26 pm

    No charges filed against the Red Neck Royalty of Alaska?

    Surprise, surprise, surprise!

  2. R.J. Carter October 9th, 2014 at 4:26 pm

    Deliterize the police. They’re murdering unarmed grammar in these reports!

    • tiredoftea October 9th, 2014 at 7:29 pm

      Their fingers were freezing as they gathered the statements.

    • forpeace October 9th, 2014 at 8:16 pm

      Maybe, they went to school while Half Governor was in charge of Alaska education system.

  3. JustaSlob October 9th, 2014 at 4:42 pm

    I just love this picture….and it seems so appropriate here..

  4. fancypants October 9th, 2014 at 4:47 pm

    its almost here Get your $10 ready

  5. fre4k October 9th, 2014 at 5:05 pm

    The Aristocrats…

  6. Pick6 October 9th, 2014 at 5:05 pm

    After reading the police report, coach Denny Green came to mind. “They are what we thought they were!”

  7. eddie1247 October 9th, 2014 at 5:52 pm

    I wonder if McCain cringes anytime her name is mentioned?

    • tiredoftea October 9th, 2014 at 7:28 pm

      Kinda depends on his last viagra dose.

  8. rg9rts October 9th, 2014 at 6:22 pm

    I hope she joins the clown car for the primaries!!!!

  9. Tommy6860 October 9th, 2014 at 6:50 pm

    LMFAO! How’s that for a “Family Values” resumé to use on your next run for political office?

  10. Guest October 9th, 2014 at 7:09 pm

    The palins are all nothing but trash !

  11. uzza October 9th, 2014 at 7:24 pm

    Much as I hate to rise above my station and correct my obvious betters, I feel I must inform Anomaly that “coldcock” means to knock unconscious, so it would be difficult to do it several times to the host.

    At that, I must loose my inner sexist and remark that Bristol punches “like a girl”—although not like any of the ones I’ve trained, because when they slug you in the face you aren’t still standing around for the second one, let alone the sixth!
    As for the Palin Pack, though they would benefit greatly from the lessons of the dojo, they seem regrettably incapable of learning.

  12. jasperjava October 9th, 2014 at 7:28 pm

    When I think that millions of low-IQ right-wing morons voted for $arah Palin to be a heartbeat away from the presidency, my skin crawls and chills go down my spine.

    I thought that George W. B*$h set the rock-bottom lowest possible standard for stupidity for a major party candidate, but Palin beats all previous records.

  13. tiredoftea October 9th, 2014 at 7:30 pm

    They just ooze class!

    • KABoink_after_wingnut_hacker October 9th, 2014 at 7:46 pm

      They just ooze crass! 😉

      • searambler October 9th, 2014 at 10:01 pm

        They just ooze…

  14. KABoink_after_wingnut_hacker October 9th, 2014 at 7:42 pm

    The best response I’ve read on line was……”And they loaded up their truck and they moved to Beverly…Hills that is…..”
    You can take the hillbilly out of the ignorant back woods, but you can’t take the ignorant back woods out of the hillbilly.

    • Linda1961 October 9th, 2014 at 7:50 pm

      I don’t like comparing the Palins to the Clampetts, as the Clampetts were likable, whereas the Plains are just downright hateful.

      • KABoink_after_wingnut_hacker October 9th, 2014 at 7:51 pm

        Good point.

      • tiredoftea October 9th, 2014 at 7:53 pm

        Yeah, there is no Ellie Mae Palin!

  15. Linda1961 October 9th, 2014 at 7:52 pm

    Still proud of your running mate, John McCain?

    • KABoink_after_wingnut_hacker October 9th, 2014 at 8:10 pm

      In all honesty, this has to go down in history as one of the most irresponsible, treasonous and desperate attempts to gain power in our entire nations’ entire history.
      McCain’s lust for power was so demented that he actually planned to capture disgruntled Hillary voters with an ignoramus that is not only stupid but dangerous.

      • verafish October 9th, 2014 at 11:00 pm

        What still astonishes me to this day is how blatantly obvious it was…to everyone. Immediately. It’s like McCain didn’t even pretend there was any other reason for this unknown to appear next to him onstage.

  16. Obewon October 9th, 2014 at 7:58 pm

    PalinBrawl / Christie until 2016~ Bullying America family value qualities: “A fight broke out and the Palins ended up losing.” Police described Track as heavily intoxicated” with blood around his mouth and on his hands.”-with a black eye Track Palin tried to “start a fight with his dad, Todd.” “The problem was that Bristol and Willow were drunk as were their boyfriends.” McKenna said that Bristol punched the party’s host “in the face 6 times,” a “bunch of wives tackled her azz.” “People were saying things like ‘F*ck the Palins.” America ‘don’t you know who we are!’-Drunk Sarah on loosing 2:1 D-365 to R-173!

  17. forpeace October 9th, 2014 at 8:13 pm

    First it was the news.

    Then it was the witness who got fired because he talked about it.

    Then it was Half Governor who said “I love my Bristol” after she said: “Do you know who I am?”

    Now it the police report document with so many pages.

    I’m still hopeful that Putin who was video taping the entire fight from his front porch is still negotiating with TMZ.

    You never know what is next!

  18. Foundryman October 9th, 2014 at 8:14 pm

    I concur, fuck the Palins.

    • tiredoftea October 9th, 2014 at 10:32 pm

      Apparently, that’s a long line!

  19. forpeace October 9th, 2014 at 8:19 pm

    “I think she’s most qualified of any that has run recently for vice president, tell you the truth.”
    — John McCain on Half Governor, 2008

    As for that VP talk all the time, I’ll tell you, I still can’t answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day?
    — Half Governor, 2008

    Where is John McCain?

  20. Sirkulat October 9th, 2014 at 8:19 pm

    The normal avatar, Horseface (Repunsel’s horse), would not chew on this grainbag without salt, vinegar, herbal or spicy victuals to make it palatible. By palatible, Horseface means; not nauseating nor unreasonably outraged that our grand/godchildren’s environment diseased by our generations’ cars, planes, shipping and trucking as it is, too much to honestly label ‘sustainable’. Are our urban/suburban environments kept filthy to encourage even filthier flights to vacation escapes instead of a real escape?
    Pull the Plug on Bertha Wormtunnel. Send Mike to the Capitol.

    • Sirkulat October 9th, 2014 at 8:28 pm

      Favorite Sarah Palin joke submission here: ____—__—__–__….blah blah blah…
      Add jokes until the list hits 1000.
      Publish collection in coffee table format
      with editorial cartoon renderings.
      Get David Letterman to sign on:
      Dear Sarah Palin,
      Please keep your opinions to yourself.
      Thank you.
      Average horseface guy, born USA WWII boomer.

  21. forpeace October 9th, 2014 at 8:24 pm

    R.J. Carter Mod • 4 hours ago
    Deliterize the police. They’re murdering unarmed grammar in these reports!
    Dear R.J. Carter,

    They wrote the report in “gibberish” to make it easier for Half Governor to read it.

  22. LiPao October 9th, 2014 at 8:25 pm

    The Alaskan police interrogation was thorough with Track.

  23. arc99 October 9th, 2014 at 9:03 pm

    I wrote this several years ago and posted it my neighborhood newspaper forum when Palin was teasing about a 2012 run.

    This story looks to be an appropriate occasion to repeat my post. To the best of my knowledge, for better or worse, this material is 100% original.

    So with apologies to David Letterman, here is my list of the top 10 reasons Sarah Palin will never be the GOP nominee for President.

    10. She would have to take a pay cut.

    9. Not enough room on her tiny hands to write entire State of the Union Speech

    8. White House kitchen has no recipes for cooking moose.

    7. Will have no foreign policy strategy since you can’t see Russia from the White House

    6. It may be unconstitutional to sign legislation with “you betcha”.

    5. She is more qualified for the House of Represenatatives. Much easier to quit afer two years

    4. The folks who don’t know if Hawaii is a state aren’t entirely sold on Alaska either.

    3. Five words that strike fear in the hearts of Congress on both sides of the aisle; Ted Nugent Secretary of Defense

    2. Would lose to Tina Fey in New York primary

    1. Anything that we liberals want this badly, never happens

    • Hirightnow October 9th, 2014 at 9:44 pm

      {Best Paul Schaffer voice}:
      “Fabulous! I couldn’t agree more!”
      {Leads the band in a rendition of “Hit the road, Jack!”}

    • Jack E Raynbeau October 22nd, 2014 at 7:35 pm

      Ten out of ten right out of the park. Great job.

  24. Denise October 9th, 2014 at 9:25 pm

    “the host called her a cunt and a slut.” you mean she spoke the truth?

  25. Hirightnow October 9th, 2014 at 9:42 pm

    Bunch of folk at a party decide that they’re tired of the sh!t that the Palin clan puts out?
    Sounds like Democracy to me.

  26. mcalleyboy October 9th, 2014 at 9:50 pm

    Palin clan are not taken seriously by Conservatives, they are there for your entertainment and don’t represent serious conservatives, they fill the gap for those conservatives that don’t bother to educate themselves or keep up with current events.

    • tiredoftea October 9th, 2014 at 10:31 pm

      That’s a big tent.

    • LightningJoe October 10th, 2014 at 6:46 pm

      “[The Palins] are there for your entertainment”

      Well yes, they are; but “entertainment” seems to include running for public office, to the Wing Nut crowd…

      • mcalleyboy October 11th, 2014 at 2:11 am

        Conservatives lost interest in Palin when running for Vice President, she couldn’t answer questions about foreign policy and was clueless on world events, her office is speech’s at fairs and commenting on Fox news along with Ted Nugent, Ted has a clue about gun related issue’s but fails to supply intelligent conversation.

  27. searambler October 9th, 2014 at 9:58 pm

    “A fight broke out and the Palins ended up losing.”

    Well, it’s not like this is the first time……

  28. Shades October 9th, 2014 at 10:01 pm

    Just imagine. If McCain had won, we’d have seen this on the White House lawn during the Easter Egg roll.

    • tiredoftea October 9th, 2014 at 10:34 pm

      Except that it would be the Sarah, Willow and Bristol roll!

      • William October 10th, 2014 at 1:26 am

        Sarah, Willow and Bristol roll!…


        Wait for it.

        • tiredoftea October 10th, 2014 at 12:50 pm

          The first line proves it’s not about her, “The kids in Bristol are sharp as a pistol…”

  29. William October 10th, 2014 at 1:24 am

    I wonder if Putin could see the Palin Melee from his house?

  30. tracey marie October 10th, 2014 at 2:39 pm

    So the drunken palins crashed a party then proceeded to start fights with everyone and then whine. This is a family in need of an intervention, to allow and encourage your kids to be uneducated drunks is child abuse

  31. Deborah October 10th, 2014 at 3:31 pm

    This is very sad! It is one thing for young adults to go out and get into arguments after having too much to drink…. but with their parents? Todd and Sarah didn’t even try to get their children home after they saw their children had consumed to much alcohol? What is the matter with them? Maybe the whole family is in need of an intervention and treatment! It is an illness and it is obvious their judgements are severely impaired! Really, someone must care enough about this family to get them some help. Maybe they could be persuaded to seek help if they know there is a reality show for such interventions! And if it is no longer on the air, they should still consider seeking help! If not, it is not the last we will hear about their poor behavior related to drinking. Let’s pray no one get severely hurt next time!

  32. LightningJoe October 10th, 2014 at 6:12 pm

    One wishes with all one’s heart, that these events could have been phone-recorded. With that video in hand, one would NEVER have to hear the word “Palin” in public ever again, without having at hand the one sure cure for the condition.