May 26, 2015 9:00 pm -


He likely doesn’t have enough animals–or cash–to purchase one of the First Daughters.

Felix Kiprono has told The Nairobian newspaper that he plans to ask President Barack Obama for his 16-year-old daughterMalia Obama’s hand in marriage when the president visits his countrylater this summer. And he’s willing to offer a dowry consisting of 50 cows, 70 sheep and 30 goats.

“I got interested in her in 2008,” Kiprono said of the first daughter, who was just 10 years old when Obama won the presidency. “As a matter of fact, I haven’t dated anyone since and promise to be faithful to her. I have shared this with my family and they are willing to help me raise the bride price.”

“People might say I am after the family’s money, which is not the case. My love is real,” he added. “I am currently drafting a letter to Obama asking him to please have Malia accompany him for this trip. I hope the embassy will pass the letter to him. I will hand it over to the US Ambassador with whom we have interacted several times.”

Should his request be granted, Kiprono said he would forgo champagne in favor of “mursik, the traditional Kalenjin sour milk.” And, “as an indication that she is my queen, I will tie sinendet, which is a sacred plant, around her head.” Then, he added, “I will teach Malia how to milk a cow, cook ugali and prepare mursik like any other Kalenjin woman.”



D.B. Hirsch
D.B. Hirsch is a political activist, news junkie, and retired ad copy writer and spin doctor. He lives in Brooklyn, New York.

21 responses to Kenyan Lawyer Wants To Buy Malia Obama For Cows, Sheeps And Goats

  1. Obewon May 26th, 2015 at 9:24 pm

    USA’s counteroffer is to take Pam Geller. We’ll pay you 50 cows, 70 sheep and 30 goats!

    • whatthe46 May 26th, 2015 at 9:42 pm

      hell, come on Obewon, we can do better than that.

    • Suzanne McFly May 27th, 2015 at 6:19 am

      Are you kidding me? What about the jackasses we will happily turnover? cruz, rubio, rush, beck… could you leave them out Obewon? lol

    • Budda May 27th, 2015 at 10:27 am

      I’ll throw in two road kill deer caucuses.

    • lynchie May 27th, 2015 at 5:02 pm

      and throw in Sarah Palin and Carly Fiorina

  2. whatthe46 May 26th, 2015 at 9:41 pm

    crazy bastard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. Anomaly 100 May 26th, 2015 at 10:03 pm

    He has something in common with Josh Duggar:

    “I got interested in her in 2008,” Kiprono said of the first daughter, who was just 10 years old..”

    • whatthe46 May 26th, 2015 at 11:14 pm

      this artlcle is manking me want to throw up my beer. and in ain’t having that!!!!!!!

  4. katkelly57 May 26th, 2015 at 10:11 pm

    Throw in an elephant and a few wildebeest and you may have a deal.

    • whatthe46 May 26th, 2015 at 11:11 pm

      only if he jumps into a vat full of taz while reeking of pig blood and no way to escape. you know, much like, during the salem witch trials, if you can get back to the surfice, while chained down with fricken cendar blocks, then you’re a witch, if you drown, then you’re innocent.

      • katkelly57 May 26th, 2015 at 11:34 pm

        Watchutalkin’bout Willis?
        Either you got mixed up in posts, or this medible is really doing my head in or I dunno WTF….

        This brain is not following.

        • whatthe46 May 27th, 2015 at 12:01 am

          lol. he can’t have this kid. oh and i’m so damned tired. i’ll edit later. lol

  5. William May 27th, 2015 at 1:47 am


  6. Barry Shitpeas May 27th, 2015 at 4:30 am


  7. allison1050 May 27th, 2015 at 7:13 am

    What’s with his shirt cuffs?

    • Larry Schmitt May 27th, 2015 at 10:12 am

      Too short?

      • allison1050 May 27th, 2015 at 10:28 am


  8. Terry "Death to Equality" Xu May 27th, 2015 at 2:25 pm

    she should be flattered actually
    that’s probably a very high price in Kenya

    and what woman doesn’t want to cook ugali for her husband

  9. lynchie May 27th, 2015 at 5:00 pm

    He can buy one of the Duggars they seem to have enough to go around

  10. robert May 28th, 2015 at 4:47 am

    if you ever need his legal assistance ? a barn yard of animals might get you off with supervision

  11. oldfart May 28th, 2015 at 1:08 pm

    I don’t think republicans would allow re-zoning the white house for farm animals.
    He also might want to consult a tailor and a shrink, not necessarily in that order.