May 26, 2015 1:00 pm -


A Turkish preacher has a stern warning for men:

Turkish preacher Mücahid Cihad Han told viewers that masturbation was forbidden in Islam.

“One hadith states that those who have sexual intercourse with their hands will find their hands pregnant in the afterlife, complaining against them to God over its rights,” he said during his program on private television station 2000 TV, according to The Hurriyet Daily News.



D.B. Hirsch
D.B. Hirsch is a political activist, news junkie, and retired ad copy writer and spin doctor. He lives in Brooklyn, New York.

46 responses to Televangelist: If You Masturbate Your Hands Will Be Pregnant In Afterlife

  1. mea_mark May 26th, 2015 at 1:08 pm

    Don’t tell that to the potential martyrs. Pregnant hands and virgins will be very confusing.

  2. William May 26th, 2015 at 1:20 pm

    When you think about it, extremists in both religions are not that far apart.

  3. whatthe46 May 26th, 2015 at 1:38 pm

    these people are dealing with their own demons. they are so hung up on sex!!!! makes me wanna send to them the worse porno mag out there.

  4. Larry Schmitt May 26th, 2015 at 1:42 pm

    Since when is masturbation “having intercourse with your hands”? If that’s how they understand sex, it’s a wonder they haven’t died out themselves.

  5. Khary A May 26th, 2015 at 1:45 pm

    Show of pregnant hands, How many of us are going to have at least quintuplets?

    • Larry Schmitt May 26th, 2015 at 1:50 pm

      I’m afraid my mouse may get pregnant if I upvote you.

      • Khary A May 26th, 2015 at 1:54 pm


      • whatthe46 May 26th, 2015 at 2:46 pm


      • MarcoZandrini May 26th, 2015 at 7:04 pm

        Ding, ding, ding! Stop the internet tubes. We have our winnah!

    • Jack E Raynbeau May 26th, 2015 at 10:15 pm

      It’s the only toy I never got tired of.

  6. Bunya May 26th, 2015 at 2:25 pm

    Wait a minute! I heard that if you masturbate, you’ll go blind – or your wiener will fall off! Who am I to believe? I wish these religious fanatics would get their punishments straight so I’ll know exactly why I’m going to hell!

    • Larry Schmitt May 26th, 2015 at 2:28 pm

      Don’t forget the hair on your palms.

      • Bunya May 26th, 2015 at 2:51 pm

        I had no idea masturbation also causes hair to grow on your palms. When does that start? I’m 60 years old and I think by now I should be blind and have at least some peach fuzz on my palms!

        • Larry Schmitt May 26th, 2015 at 2:59 pm

          That was one of the things I heard when I was a kid. I don’t think any of those scare tactics (including the threat of eternal damnation) kept a single boy from spanking his monkey.

        • David Ish May 26th, 2015 at 5:33 pm

          I am near-sighted

          • Bunya May 26th, 2015 at 9:30 pm

            You’ve obviously spent most of your time spanking the monkey when you were younger. Now, when you die, your right hand will become pregnant with quadruplets.

    • Jack E Raynbeau May 26th, 2015 at 10:17 pm

      I’m 66 and have macular degeneration but I never miss a chance to squeegee my porpoise.

      • phantom_scribbler May 26th, 2015 at 10:20 pm

        Funny JackE.

        • Jack E Raynbeau May 26th, 2015 at 10:30 pm

          Fancy meeting you here.

    • catherinette May 27th, 2015 at 1:21 am

      In the Catholic religion they said it makes you deaf .

      • Greebo May 27th, 2015 at 10:38 am

        What happened to “weakening of the spine”?

        • catherinette May 27th, 2015 at 11:41 am

          osteoporosis . 🙂

  7. CHOCOL8MILK May 26th, 2015 at 3:04 pm

    Getting a second mortgage. I’ll have a lot of hand babies to support in the afterlife.

  8. F_cons May 26th, 2015 at 3:40 pm

    Dear dog. these psychotic “religions” are just amazing, laughable, pitiful, hateful, ignorant, stupid, frightening, … Never mind, there aren’t enough words to describe them

  9. bpollen May 26th, 2015 at 3:42 pm

    The hand that whacketh shall be knocked up.

    The Lord works in mysterious ways.

  10. robert May 26th, 2015 at 3:56 pm

    better to get stoned then to stone your wife

    back at ya preacher !

  11. tracey marie May 26th, 2015 at 4:07 pm

    just like our teabalican, dumb, dumb, dumb.

  12. Suzanne McFly May 26th, 2015 at 5:52 pm

    Woooo Hooooo, I am a woman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No millions of little ones for me lol.

    • arc99 May 26th, 2015 at 6:19 pm

      I am a man so I suppose I will engage in safe practices by donning latex gloves.

      Problem solved..

      • Suzanne McFly May 26th, 2015 at 6:25 pm

        Good remedy.

    • Greebo May 27th, 2015 at 10:37 am

      You’ll get the usual: peritendinitis.

  13. StoneyCurtisll May 26th, 2015 at 6:11 pm

    Looks like I’m going to be having twins.(in the after life)

  14. CHOCOL8MILK May 26th, 2015 at 6:29 pm

    On a side note, May is National Masturbation Month! As such, here’s some info about health benefits of masturbation.

  15. Chris May 26th, 2015 at 7:04 pm

    In a strange way, it’s kinda comforting to know that another faith has its wacky interpreters, too. We don’t corner the market on crazy.

  16. ExPFCWintergreen May 26th, 2015 at 9:17 pm

    A reading from the Book of Hef. Yea, verily, thus spake the Lord ‘n’ Save-yer: spanketh not, lest ye maketh Rosie Palm for to bringeth forth multitudes of the Heavenly Host after ye die.

    • Bunya May 26th, 2015 at 9:30 pm


  17. cecilia May 26th, 2015 at 9:24 pm

    did Mücahid Cihad Han’s mommy NOT have “The Talk” with him??

    he doesn’t seem to understand anything about the birds and the bees

  18. fahvel May 27th, 2015 at 2:28 am

    too bad immigration to the usa is becoming difficult – like cruz, this cretin would fit in the clown car perfectly.

  19. rg9rts May 27th, 2015 at 7:37 am

    What happened to hairy palms???

  20. Greebo May 27th, 2015 at 10:27 am

    So – this guy considers pregnancy a punishment. Telling.

  21. Jeffrey Samuels May 27th, 2015 at 11:28 am

    Better not let our American Taliban hear this. That will be the next cultural battle.