July 5, 2014 11:34 am -

A 33-year-old Texas man told authorities that a turtle, cat and squirrel – and a tree – were to blame after he crashed his car in Brazos County.

The Eagle reports that the man, not the animals, was arrested on a drunken driving charge on Tuesday.

The man, convicted of driving while intoxicated in Madison County in July 2009, was involved in a single-vehicle crash just after 1:00 a.m., according to the police.


A witness told police his vehicle passed him on the right by using the shoulder of the road before striking a guardrail, exiting the highway and hitting a tree in a raised median inside a parking lot, according to the police report.

When officers found the man, he was in the driver’s seat, slurring his words and unaware of his location, police said.

According to what the man told police, the wreck occurred when he swerved to avoid three animal and ended up hitting a tree.

For some strange reason the police totally didn’t believe the man’s story and charged him with drunken driving.

According to records,  this is the man’s second such arrest, which now could get him a year in jail; he’s free on $7,500 bond.

‘Sources say’ the animals in question were last seen skipping in the forest, laughing their asses off, while plotting to take over the world.

H/T: My go-to guy to blame stuff on, @ComgenKDT.


No responses to Texas Drunk Driver Blames Turtle, Cat, Squirrel And Tree For Car Wreck

  1. Billy Jackson July 5th, 2014 at 12:07 pm

    I could see him saying in a Yosimite Sam voice:

    Oooooooh! I hate that fuckin’ rabbit!

  2. fahvel July 5th, 2014 at 12:07 pm

    sounds like a solid excuse to me.

    • Anomaly 100 July 5th, 2014 at 12:16 pm

      The police totally overreacted.

      • bancaturday July 7th, 2014 at 10:43 pm

        We all know it was the cats fault. It always is

        • Anomaly 100 July 7th, 2014 at 11:22 pm

          Oh sure, blame a cat. That’s what a republican would do.

  3. uzza July 5th, 2014 at 12:24 pm

    Bees are in on the plot too. One drove me off the road once by flying around between me and the windshield. Could have killed me, that bee.

    True story. He landed on a radio that was sitting on the dash, so I grabbed it and stuck it out the window so he’d get blown off. In the process I strayed off the road and up an embankment. Funny thing is, after getting control I pulled over and sat there shaking, and noticed the radio, with the bee still on it, carefully placed back where it had been. Strange.

    • Carla Akins July 5th, 2014 at 12:35 pm

      Stop eating peyote.

    • M D Reese July 5th, 2014 at 12:52 pm

      Wow! you are lucky to be here to tell the tale! I once had a big Bumble bee hit me right in the throat when I was riding my motorcycle. It really packed a wallop and I almost lost it. I was able to slow down, all the while trying to get the bee off my leg, where it landed and had stung me. I stopped in the next little town to have a cup of coffee and gather my nerves. The waitress came over and told me I had a bee on my jacket–it had hung on for miles!

    • Billy Jackson July 5th, 2014 at 12:55 pm

      Sweetheart. Between getting attacked by bees and your car catching on fire, you’ve got to be careful. I don’t know what I’d do if you got hurt and had to miss substantial time on here, throwing me into massive uzza withdrawals.

      Stay safe!

    • ChrisVosburg July 5th, 2014 at 5:06 pm

      Oh man, bees. While I was walking down to the pub last night, a bee flew into the small space between my left eye and the lens of my glasses, and I just plain freaked, and involuntarily started shaking around like I was Joe Cocker.

      Pretty sure the other people on the sidewalk thought was I having a seizure of some sort.

  4. Carla Akins July 5th, 2014 at 12:36 pm

    Damn squirrels. You now he was set up. As soon as he crashed those squirrels forced liquor down his throat. Bet it’s the last time he uses his Beebe gun on the squirrels in his yard.

  5. M D Reese July 5th, 2014 at 12:47 pm

    Squirrels ARE tricksters! They make ME do all kinds of things like waving a broom around or banging on a pan with a spoon–they do it to amuse my neighbors I think. I tried being more subtle, like squirting them with water, but they just stood their ground and then kept advancing! They know I’ve got peanuts in here!

  6. Suzanne McFly July 5th, 2014 at 1:12 pm

    Damn, I want what he was drinking lol, on second thought, no I don’t 🙂

  7. jkarov July 5th, 2014 at 1:17 pm

    I’d like to see the day when all 50 states have a single statute for repeat DUI offenders.

    Maybe by the 3rd offense, people should lose their license for 10 years, in all states.

    A 4th offense should be a lifetime ban. Maybe then we’d see these idiots off the road, and not threatening the rest of us.

    • Billy Jackson July 5th, 2014 at 2:09 pm

      They’d still drive. Illegally, of course, but I remember in an AA meeting, listening to a guy that had 23 DUIs.

      I’m all for making it harder, but unless they’re locked up, they’re going to do what they’ve always done, which is really sad, and dangerous.

  8. ChrisVosburg July 5th, 2014 at 4:21 pm

    See, that’s what he gets for not letting the dog drive. A dog woulda just run that cat and squirrel right the hell over, without even slowing down– and then woofed about it to all the other dogs in the neighborhood.

  9. Dwendt44 July 5th, 2014 at 7:45 pm

    “But officer, that tree jumped right out in front of me!!”

    Ya, that’ll go over big in court.